Part 3 Rooting Out Rebellion

     In this third and final blog about rooting out rebellion, I am going to share the last three reasons that children rebel as the Lord revealed them to me:

 

Reason 3 - Hypocrisy!

 

Matthew 7:3-5 “Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?  Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ and behold, the log is in your own eye?  You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.”

 

     We must live what we say we believe.  The standard we require from our children in regard to moral law should be the same standard we require of ourselves.  There are general rules that are not moral in nature (a bedtime for example) where this would not apply but in all areas of moral law “Parental example must support parental instruction. Instruction without example is authoritarian and produces a teen who is bitter and full of resentment…Thus, that which is morally right for the teen must also be morally right for the parent.”  Gary Ezzo in Reaching the Heart of Your Teen

 

     One of the biggest parts of hypocrisy is not admitting when we are wrong!  We need to model repentance, forgiveness and restoration to our children.  When we refuse to do this, we destroy our credibility and create bitterness that is a deep, strong root for rebellion.  Hebrews 12:15 “ See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God ; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled”

 

     Another aspect of hypocrisy can be when we tell our children we love them but they don’t see the evidence of that love lived out in our words and actions.  Evaluate your time?  Do you have biblical priorities?  Your kids will resent you when these are out of balance!  Balance is a key word here.  Don’t make them the center of the universe or use “family time” as an excuse to not serve at all.  Ask God to give you wisdom on how to spend your time!  Psalms 90:12 NAS  “So teach us to number our days, That we may present to You a heart of wisdom.”

 

Reason 4 - Closely related to hypocrisy, is not loving our children for who they are or giving them the freedom to fail.

 

Romans 8:1 “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”

 

      Our children need to know that their value is not based on their obedience, performance, talent, looks, etc.  It is based wholly on the price that God paid for them!  Christianity is the only “religion” where salvation and character are not works based.  All other faiths produce good works as a means of salvation and they are motivated by guilt, fear, or duty.  Our fruit comes as a result of our salvation and is motivated by a love relationship.  A mother and a maid may do the same work but the motivation behind the work is completely different!  As we understand that we are God’s children, that He loves us, and has sacrificed everything for us, we are motivated to obey Him out of a grateful heart, knowing that even our obedience is only possible because of Him.  (see Ephesians 2:8-9, Galatians 5:22-23)  So we need to be careful in our praise of our children.  It should be genuine; not empty flattery, and they should always be aware that any good thing in them is a gift from God and He must get the glory!  Praise their character, not their actions.  (Example:  ‘You showed such diligence and perseverance in studying for that test!  I am not surprised you did well after all that hard work!’ verses  ‘You are so smart!  That is an awesome grade!’ Or ‘God gave you such talent in sports.  I am sure He is pleased you are using it wisely by being a team player.’ verses  ‘That was a great goal you made!  It’s amazing how good you are at this.’)  We know we should never tell a child he is bad, just what he did was bad.  The same principle applies with praise because what they do, is not where their value comes from!  Beware of developing a spirit of legalism in your children.

 

      We need to display God’s grace to them.  Do you use guilt as a club?  (Example:  “It’s obviously too much to expect that you would help me out of the kindness of your heart.” )  Do you compare them to their siblings or other children?  (‘If you focused like your sister, you would be done too.’)  When you do, repent!  If not, you are creating prohibitive consciences and rebellious hearts in your children.  Also, do you show others outside the family the grace you profess to believe in?  How do you deal with families that may have different standards than yours?  Do your children know that “All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23) and that it is only by His grace that we stand?  (Proverbs 16:18)  One Christian author asks, “How do you talk about the girl in the youth group that got pregnant at fourteen?  How did you talk about the boy from school that is addicted to drugs? …Kids are smart.  You can preach what you think or want to believe, but you will live and model what you truly believe.”  These are opportunities for teachable moments - to discuss consequences of sin, how sin deceives, grace, how to love the hurting, etc.

 

      Be careful you are not trying to mold your children into your own bent.  Examples:  Athletic dad pushing son in sports when son loves music.  My husband is very basic and simple in his style of dress.  He doesn’t like to draw attention to himself.  My daughter is more flamboyant in her style.  She loves fashion and expressing herself through it  He has had to learn to not crush her spirit and let her express herself, even when it isn’t his taste, as long as she is honoring God in her dress.  Work on meeting their love language even if it is not yours or especially if it is not yours.  We should study our children, know what makes them tick, their likes and dislikes.  How has God gifted them?  Encourage them in those areas rather than forcing them to try and be good at what you like, dress in your style, etc!  God has a purpose for them and the way He made them was to help them fulfill that purpose.  HIS purpose.  Make sure they know this!  God has given them everything they need that pertains to life and godliness. (see 2 Peter 1:3)  He will help them fulfill their purpose and He has made them in just the right way to accomplish it! 

 

Reason 5 - We aren’t discipling our children!

 

Deuteronomy 6:5-7 “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your might.  And these words which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart; and you shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up.”

 

     There is a difference between raising them in church, teaching them what we believe, what we do,  don’t do, etc. and discipleship!  And that difference is time and relationship!  I have many friends who grew up in “Christian” homes, yet outside of church and family devotions occasionally, the Bible was never applied to life.  Their parents did not employ the tactic of Deut. 6:5-7 (see above)  It takes time, training, constantly teaching by example, with teachable moments and with planned teaching times.  It must be in your heart first, so you live it out.  Then you can put it in their heart as you sit in your house, walk by the way, lie down and rise up!  Did I mention it is constant?  They need to understand that their faith in God should influence how they think about everything.  It is a worldview that should permeate all they say and do and think.  Can your children think and reason Biblically?  Do they know how to discern truth? This doesn’t just happen!  It must be taught!

 

      Help your children to understand their relationship with God.  How does God relate to them?  How can they know He hears their prayers?  How do they hear His voice?  How do they overcome sin?  Who is the Holy Spirit and how does He help them?  ( If you don’t know the answers to these questions, it is VITAL that you find them out!  We can’t teach what we don’t know.  Luke 6:40  “A pupil is not above his teacher for once he has been fully trained he will be like his teacher.” Get in the Word, a Bible study, find a mentor – do what it takes to learn!)  Examples - When they have been rejected by a friend, do you remind them that God accepts them and loves them always?  When they are struggling to obey, do you explain to them that is why they need God?  That we all struggle with sin and can’t do it without His help?  Do they see you having your quiet time?  Do you talk about what God is teaching you or what you read in your devotions?  Do you stop and pray with them in those hard moments throughout the day?  Yes, we must teach them but more is still caught than taught.

 

 

     So the Key to rooting out rebellion is relationship!  Your relationship with God and with them and their relationship with you and with God.  May we all cultivate these relationships that they may bear much fruit!  God bless!

Rooting Out Rebellion (Part 2)

     My husband and I truly desire that our girls will grow up and follow God all the days of their life.  Isn’t that what all Christian parents want for their children?  We would love to believe that there is some formula we can follow to guarantee that our children will not rebel and turn from God.  Unfortunately,  there is no such formula.  However, as I prayed about how to keep our girls from rebelling, I believe that God revealed to me five reasons that kids rebel and what my husband and I can do to guard against it.  Let me share them with you:

 

Reason 1 - Parents try to raise their kids in their own wisdom and strength! 

  

John 15:5 tells us, “I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me, and I in      Him, he bears much fruit; for apart from Me, you can do NOTHING.”  (emphasis mine)

 

      Many Christian parents aren’t in God’s Word!  The American Bible Society tells us that 2 out of 3 Christian adults read the Bible just once a month!  We are starving ourselves spiritually and then wonder why our children are rebelling?  We forget to pray and wonder why we get our children to obey us.  We don’t read God’s instructions and then fret about not knowing how to get our children to obey.  When we are struggling with an issue, we seek answers everywhere but directly from God.  Think about it.  How often do you specifically pray and ask God to help you with what you are dealing with in your children?  When they continually won’t put things away…When they are having a problem with their friends…When they are always making you late… When they are always talking back or being disrespectful…etc. 

     We need to pray daily and purposely for our children and we need to dig into God’s Word for answers!  Ask God to speak to you.  He promises He will if you diligently seek Him.  (see Jer. 29:13)  In James 1:5, we are promised wisdom when we lack it, if we will only ask.  We have been given the mind of Christ. (see 1 Cor. 2:16 and Romans 12:2) Pray specifically and pray scripture.  These promises are too precious to leave them unclaimed!

     There are some great resources out there to help you pray purposefully and specifically for your children.  Many good prayer calendars can be found on line.  Google prayer calendar children and pick one that works for you.  One way to be purposeful in your prayers is to make a prayer card for each child.  Write their name on it, what character trait or traits you are working on, and some specific scriptures to pray for them. Keep it in your Bible to use daily during your devotion time.  There are some great books that will give You plenty of examples.  One such book is The Power of a Praying Parent by Stormie Omartian.

 

Reason 2 - Parents are provoking children to anger by focusing on rules rather than the relationship!

  

Ephesians 6:4 says “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” NAS - NIV says exasperate

  

     Josh McDowell came up with the following formula:  “Rules - Relationship = Rebellion”  This is why Growing Kids God’s Way emphasizes working on your children’s love language, building family identity, and transitioning from the rule of your authority to the power of your relational influence!  Love motivates a desire to please the one you love and love is found in relationship.  Review your Growing Kids material if you need to. You don’t want to miss these important principles!

     If our rules are too strict, our children will rebel.  If they are too lax, they will run wild.  Zig Ziglar said, “The child who has not been disciplined with love by his little world, will be disciplined generally without love by the big world.”  So what are we to do?  How do we know what the right boundaries are and how do we enforce boundaries without provoking our children to anger or exasperating them? We need to realize it is not about the rules;  it’s about the relationship.  We start with training the heart!

 

       We need to teach them that boundaries and discipline are good things!   Boundaries = security and discipline = love!  They are positive life giving words!  Rules and boundaries are not to be feared or hated.  They are for our protection! (This can be clearly seen in a drug infested neighborhood.  Rules and boundaries are ignored, therefore no one is safe and so no one is really free!) Good boundaries are rooted in relationship and are more about freedom than restriction.  When boundaries are respected and self-control is used, there is plenty of freedom. We know these things, but do they?  Show them Hebrews 12:11.  “All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.”  (read Heb. 12:5-11 for more)  When teaching your children this principle, talk about  examples like the following:

   - games w/o rules (either not fair, meaningless, or chaos)

   - discipline and sports (the more discipline, the more fruit produced)

   - doctor - broken arm example (instructions for your best interest – no baseball for 6 weeks or for life?)

     If you have a prohibitive conscience, you may struggle with these same issues.  Remember God’s Word is truth and makes us free!  His Word tells us discipline is a good thing!  Children not only need boundaries, they want them!  There was a study done on school children where they gave them a huge field to play in but no fence.  All the children stayed closer to where the teacher was but when they put a fence up the children used the whole field.  They found security in the boundary of the fence and were able to move freely throughout the whole play area.  

     As parents, it is our job to clearly define the boundaries for our children.  Don’t expect them to or assume they know them.  Just because it seems like common sense to you doesn’t mean it is evident to them.  If you haven’t trained them, you can’t and shouldn’t expect them to know it.  However, once you are sure you have trained and defined boundaries, enforce them!  As parents, nowhere in the Word are we made responsible for our children’s happiness, just their training.  When we enforce boundaries the right way, the anger and sadness of our children will be temporary but the training and fruit will be eternal.  So be sure you have defined your boundaries ahead of time and follow through.

     It is important that parents remain calm while enforcing boundaries.  This one speaks for itself.  For more on this review the difference between Biblical Chastisement and Cultural Spanking laid out in GKGW.  The principles there apply to all types of consequences, not just chastisement.

     When defining your boundaries, the standard for them must be God’s, not something arbitrary and moveable.  There must be no compromise on black and white issues.  Give the moral reason why and show them the Word behind your words and rules!  In other words, don‘t just tell them what to do or not do but tell them the why behind it. When our children know what to do but not why, we are simply raising Pharisees!  In order to give them the moral reasons why, we must know them.  There is no substitute or short cut for growing in wisdom.  We must spend time with our Father!

     With gray areas, freedom areas, we need to be more flexible and be sure to transition properly as children get older.  Give them a respectful way to question your rules.  A big part of transitioning is telling them less and asking more questions.  Make them think things through for themselves.  Carol Adams, a great teacher, says “The one who is doing the talking is doing the thinking.”  In other words, when they reason it through for themselves, do the labor themselves, they really own it.  That’s how you reach the heart! (see appeal process in GKGW and transitions cd’s from Mom’s Notes for more on this subject)

     As you develop your rules and boundaries, be sure you examine your heart.  What are you basing your decisions on.  Could you say yes?  Be a yes parent as much as possible!  There will be enough no’s in their lives.  Is the rule fair?  Too strict?  Have you considered all sides?  Have you listened to their thoughts and feelings?  Is compromise needed?  Be thoughtful and prayerful about all your rules and boundaries and be willing to redefine them if needed.

     If you must say no or enforce a boundary, consider their heart in your response. One Christian author put it this way: “Remember the fastest way to alienate your child from you is to discount his or her emotional response.”  Alienation is a root that will grow up to rebellion.  This doesn’t mean you give in to their desires in order not to alienate them.  The principle is respond to emotion with emotion.  Don’t discount their feelings.  Show empathy and help them know what to do with their feelings!  When my daughter started to fight me on wearing certain dresses, I soon discovered it was because she feared being made fun as the dresses were “for little girls”.  She was entering into the middle school transition.  While I didn’t want her to make decisions based on what others thought, I also needed to respect her feelings and help her to make decisions about what she wore based on what God says.  I couldn’t do that, if I made it all about obedience.  “Obey me or else!  You will wear what I say.” 

     In part 3 of this blog, we will discuss the final 3 reasons for rebellion.  In the meantime, I pray that we all will look to God for our wisdom and strength, work on our relationships with our children, and define our boundaries with much prayer and searching of the Scriptures!